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The Tally Ho

Monday, December 20, 2004

Holidays and Dowd

So a few things this holiday season: First, too many people came into town this weekend – and its not fair. I would like to visit with everyone, but it is impossible with holiday parties (Why are people so inconsiderate to live in the suburbs? It makes everything more complicated!), work, and the upcoming stress of the final December holiday. That is why I have decided to start my own traditions and not travel over the holidays. I will be spending my holiday with what relatives are local and the rest of us New York City holiday orphans. Thanksgiving remains the greatest holiday of the year as there are no religious affiliated events, ritual gift exchanges, and no trees with lights (though Snoopy decorations are great). It is just getting together and eating too much.

Second, I joined the post compact disk world. I bought an MP3 player for my holiday gift to myself and will probably never buy another CD again unless it is something that I absolutely want to support. For my next trick I will buy a large external hard drive and swap music with my friends. This way I can check out all kinds of music that I would never spend $18 a disk for at the record store (thus never listen to), have burned CDs lying around taking up space, or worse – dubbed cassette tapes. I bet Sammy has some great African music that I would probably never buy on my own. David use to work at a radio station. And hell, I haven’t listened to a radio station that isn’t web cast in years. I could care less what is on. The downer is that the last time I lost my hard drive I lost a bunch of great music that are on CDs in another state. I really want my Ray Charles collection… this will have to be remedied.

Third, the first real snow of the year was tonight. The housemates and I decided to go for a walk in the cold, cold night. However, you would never know its cold outside because my apartment is a living hell. Last week I turned my heat on for the first time because I got tired of wearing a stocking cap to bed. Now I sleep with the windows wide open and it is 18 degrees. This is completely silly.

Lastly, did you read Maureen Dowd’s column on Sunday titled A Not So Wonderful Life? I will link the whole thing sincethis column won't work well broken up.

CLOSE SHOT - Rummy is standing by the railing, staring morosely into the water. The snow is falling hard. Feeling a tap on his shoulder, he wheels around and wrestles an old man with wings into a headlock.

OLD MAN: Ouch! Tut, tut. When will you learn that force doesn't solve everything?

RUMMY: Who the dickens are you?

OLD MAN: Clarence, Angel First Class. I've been sent down to help you.

RUMMY, squinting: You're off your nut, you old fruitcake. You can't help me. I was a matinee idol in this town, a studmuffin. Now everyone's turned on me - Trent Lott, Chuck Hagel and that dadburn McCain.

CLARENCE: No more self-pity, son. I'm going to show you what the world would have been like if you'd never been born.

Clarence, who can fly now, takes Rummy's hand and they soar over the icy Potomac to the Pentagon. Beneath the glass on the desk of the defense secretary is a list of members of Congress and their phone numbers.

RUMMY: Who put that there?

CLARENCE: Sam Nunn. He's the defense secretary. Sam consults with Congress. Never acts arrogant or misleads them. He didn't banish the generals who challenged him - he promoted 'em. And, of course, he caught Osama back in '01. He threw 100,000 troops into Afghanistan on 9/11 and sealed the borders. Our Special Forces trapped the evildoer and his top lieutenants at Tora Bora. You weren't at that cabinet meeting the day after 9/11, so nobody suggested going after Saddam. No American troops died or were maimed in Iraq. No American soldiers tortured Iraqis in Abu Ghraib. No Iraqi explosives fell into the hands of terrorists. There's no office of disinformation to twist perception abroad. We're not on the cusp of an Iraq run by Muslim clerics tied to Iran. Here's Sam. He's with the chairman of the Joint Chiefs.

GENERAL SHINSEKI: We got some good news today on the National Guard, sir. Recruiting is up 40 percent. With the money we saved killing that useless missile defense system, we up-armored all our Humvees.

RUMMY, fists and jaw clenched: Grrrrrrr...I want to see Wolfie!

CLARENCE: Sam never hired any of those wacko neocons. Wolfowitz is a woolly headed professor at the Johns Hopkins School of Advanced International Studies, and a consultant to Ariel Sharon. Richard Perle was never in charge of the Defense Policy Board, so he was unable to enrich himself through government connections, or help Ahmad Chalabi con the administration. Perle stayed an honest man, running a chain of soufflé shops. His soufflés were so fluffy he became known as the Prince of Lightness. Doug Feith never worked here, either, so he never set up the Office of Special Plans to spin tall tales about W.M.D. and Qaeda ties to Saddam. And he never bungled the occupation because there was no occupation. Without you to swoon over in a book, neocon doyenne Midge Decter became a fallen woman, like Violet.

RUMMY, dyspeptic: Holy mackerel! Take me to Dick!

CLARENCE: Dick and Lynne run a bait, tackle and baton-twirling shop in Casper, Wyo. You didn't exist, so you never gave him those jobs in the Nixon and Ford administrations, and he never ran for Congress or worked for Bush 41 or anointed himself 43's vice president. W. chose Chuck Hagel as his running mate. So without you and Dick there to dominate him, he was guided by his dad and Brent Scowcroft, who kept Condi in line. Colin Powell was never cut off at the knees and the U.N. and allies were never bullied. There was never any crazy fever about Iraq or unilateralism or "Old Europe." Here's Colin now, heading for the Oval Office.

POWELL: Merry Christmas, Mr. President. With the help of our allies around the world, we have won the war on terror. And Saddam has been overthrown. Once Hans Blix exposed the fact that Saddam had no weapons, the tyrant was a goner. No Arab dictator can afford to be humilated by a Swedish disarmament lawyer.

RUMMY: Goodness gracious, I've heard enough now. I'm going home. Unless you're going to tell me my wife is an old maid, because I wasn't around to marry her.

CLARENCE: Oh, no. Joyce lives across the street from your old house on Kalorama Road. She's happily married to the French ambassador.

"Auld Lang Syne" swells as we FADE OUT.

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