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The Tally Ho

Monday, August 16, 2004

J's Review of A vs. P

A few times a year J, I, and whoever else is around try to catch either the worst movie out, or at least something intentionally bad... anyway this is J's review of A vs. P.
Went to go see Alien vs. Predator on Friday. Overall, the first 2/3 was pretty decent, while the final 1/3 was a piece of suck.

From memory, in order.
Opening scene - decent. A bunch of shadows that looked like a queen alien's head. As it rotates and pulls back, it turns out to be a Weyland Corp. satellite that finds a heat source in the Arctic (or maybe it was the Antarctic). My problem with that is that you can not get any details about what the structure looks like through the ice. At best, the ice might show up as a slightly warmer blob than the surrounding ice. Using the vast majority of materials, heat can not be seen through it. This is violated MANY times through the movie.

Now time to round up a group to go explore the pyramid. Some of this was ok, but the scene where they picked up the woman climbing a mountain alone in Nepal. First of all, that is insane. Second, as she is climbing ice on the side of a mountain...her phone rings! Then, she pauses the climb to answer it! By putting a hands free set in her ear! Anyway, as she talks while continuing the climb, which make talking while driving look like a good idea, she is told that Weyland wants to hire her. She says that she can't be back to civilization for at least a week. As she reaches the top, the guy that she was talking to tells her that's not good enough...as he is standing by a helicopter waiting for her. How many things are wrong with that scene? How would she not notice the helicopter landing right above her? Why would he call and distract her when she was less than 60 seconds from the top. Ugh!

I am even getting bored reviewing this, so I'll be brief. When they get to the pyramid and some begin getting impregnated. The big problem with this is that the alien life cycle is very accelerated. I didn't get the impression that people were in the pyramid for more than a few hours, but that was enough for the aliens to grow from embryo to warrior???!!! Ugh!!

Then, the pyramid starts shifting inside. It kinda reminded me of the movie Cube. After the second shift, the guy who was the ancient culture expert decides that is must reconfigure every ten minutes. His logic, The Aztecs were on a base-ten system, so it must reconfigure every ten minutes. The problem here was...The Aztecs didn't know what a minute was!!! Base-ten, fine. Minutes, please! Ugh!!!

Mayhem ensues because the humans find the predator shoulder weapons (preds are suppose to go in without the shoulder weapon, get their guns, then kill all the aliens. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, the climber woman realizes that the things that they found must be their weapons and, following good US Mideast policy (the enemy of my enemy is my friend), she decides to arm the preds. As she gives the pred (which was impregnated earlier, but doesn't know it) it's gun, they are attacked by an alien. She grabs the pred spear, which the alien impales itself on as it attacks her. More aliens come, but the pred fights them off with it's shiny new gun. It starts to walk off, she yells at it and tells it that she is going with it. It then pulls out it's knife, cuts the head off of the alien, somehow scoops the insides out of it. Then, it cuts the tip of the aliens tail off and ties it to a stick. She now has a nifty new shield and spear. They run off. At this point, the audience laughed at how stupid the scene was! UGH!!!

They then find an egg chamber, where the pred leaves his wrist bomb. Now in Predator 2, when Danny Glover cut the preds arm off, the bomb was disarmed. Hmmm...

Anyway, they run out before it blow up, but are chased by the queen. Now, the pred with the alien in him has been attacked by several drones and a queen. In Alien 3, the alien refused to kill Ripley because she had one in her. Hmmm....

Well, the queen kills the pred, but gets shackled to something large and pulled to the bottom of the Arctic ocean (not dead, which leaves possibilities for future movies. Oh the humanity!

Finally, the remaining preds take the dead one on their ship and leave. After the ship takes off and the body is left alone, a alien "hatches". Now this alien has mandibles like the preds. Here is my problem with this and the alien born from the dog (or ox if you saw the special edition), which runs on all fours. How does the alien take on characteristics from the host? An EMBRYO is implanted and uses the host as a cocoon. Presumable no DNA is extracted from the host. How does it take on traits of the host? At this point, the movie ends.

Not Hollow Man bad, but not at all good. It never made me care about any of the characters and killed off many without any development. IMDB rates it at 5.7/10, which is probably high, considering P2 got less. Probably boosted by 13 year old boys. UGHHH!!!!!!

Check out the IMDB message board, it bored.

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